“REASONS TO LIVE:” A PODCAST Proposal

DISCLAIMER: The following podcast discusses suicide, depression, and anxiety, and mental illness.

The podcast I am proposing is based on my experience battling mental illness this semester. Through my experiences over the past few months, I have become fascinated by the tenacity of the human condition and our ability to heal and grow stronger from situations that seem too painful to survive. I recently went through a breakup that, due to my less-than-optimal physical and mental health, nearly ended my life. This experience, although painful and seemingly impossible to overcome at times, has forced me to finally take control of with what it means to be alive, why I exist, and what drives my existence. Through this podcast, I walk listeners through my experience in the psych ward, the people I met, the observations I’ve made, the rise of mental illness in today’s society, and the fascinating concept of the human instinct to fight for one’s own life despite all odds. The podcast contains five chapters that are loosely chronological and guide listeners through a series of themes to consider as they arrive to the podcast’s conclusion: in essence, there is no true answer to the question of why we exist on this planet, and every person must come to their own conclusions.

CHAPTER I – ONCE UPON A TIME

Once upon a time, there lived two blonde-haired, blue-eyed girls, only 14, in a small town in Illinois. Neither of them had very much figured out. They were as naïve and inexperienced as anyone at that age. They didn’t know who they were or what they wanted, but they did know that they enjoyed each other’s company and understood each other’s jokes. Over the years, they became home to each other, a safe space from the harsh realities and pressures and responsibilities of life. They got older on the outside, but on the inside, they remained two children together.

Soon, one of them realized that she is very, very gay. Then, the other one realized that she, too, is very, very gay. Their beautiful friendship turned to a beautiful romance. For two years, they were companions, depending on each other for comfort, love, and acceptance. But they were children when they met, and after a few years in the adult world, one of them realized that the other was holding her back. So, she decided to end the relationship. The other decided to end her life.

CHAPTER II – STAYING ALIVE (THE BEE GEES WERE RIGHT)

That girl I told you about, the one who wanted to end her life, that was me. This podcast is not about my relationship with my ex-girlfriend, or the messy three-month breakup that followed. It’s about the incredible innate ability that humans possess to stay alive, to experience unimaginable pain and suffering and somehow endure it.

Before we begin, hear me when I say this: not everyone survives mental illness. Every 40 seconds, somebody dies by suicide in the US. It is the third leading cause of death among

American youth ages 15 to 24. LGBT individuals are four times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers. Nearly half of transgender individuals in America have attempted suicide in their lifetime, and indigenous peoples suffer the highest rate of suicide in the country. Mental illness is not always something you can simply endure. As tragic as it is to lose someone by suicide, it does not mean they are weak, or selfish. It is crucial that we work together to raise awareness, engage in open communication with friends and loved ones, and advocate for community resources that support those struggling with mental illness.

My goal with this podcast is to share my experience and provide hope to those who feel that death would be a better alternative to their pain.

CHAPTER III - DROWNING

When a person is drowning, there comes a point when their autonomic nervous system takes the wheel. It attempts to save the body by activating a flapping instinct to force water downward and postures the neck and mouth up to better reach the surface. Regardless of whether drowning was intentional, and despite the person’s attempts to fight this instinct, the body’s urge to stay alive overrides any conscious attempt to do otherwise.

After a very painful text from my ex-girlfriend following three months of nearly crippling depression, I found myself in a downward spiral of pain and hopelessness. It was so strong and so encompassing that I was sure it would never end. I formed multiple plans to end my life. My first was to crash my car.

At the time, I didn’t understand why I brought my phone and a charger, why I left my ringer on. Why I pulled the car over and answered my friend when she called. Why I told her my plans, why I took her advice and drove the car in which I previously intended to die to the hospital. Underneath the pain that seemed to be devouring me, I felt mildly annoyed with myself. My mind made a decision, yet my body seemed to counteract it. I left the emergency room when the nurses weren’t looking and attempted to follow through with my second plan of walking into traffic. But, yet again, my body acted without my mind’s consent. My feet paused when they touched the pavement. Norepinephrine jolted through my veins and froze my muscles in their place. I was overcome with a fear triggered by a flood of hormones and neurotransmitters. For reasons I didn’t understand, my legs turned my body around, and my fingers dialed the phone number a campus staff member to accompany me back.

The human body has evolved in amazing ways to protect itself from death and harm. If you try not to breathe, your body will eventually breathe for you. If you ingest a poison or toxin, your liver will work its hardest to detox it. Yet, it seems that the more evolved humankind has become, the more mental and psychiatric illnesses such as depression and anxiety have succeeded to take our lives from us. It seems to me that, the better we become at surviving, the less will we have to live.

CHAPTER IV – THE SMELL OF ROSEMARY

Following my attempts, I spent two days in a hospital psychiatric ward in which I met a cast of interesting characters. I’m going to tell you about two extraordinary women. There’s Inna, a Russian immigrant who, despite her severe depression, had a personality that commanded a room. She was trapped in an abusive marriage, and she came to the ward when she realized that she would rather die than spend another day with her husband. Then, there’s the woman who never told anyone her name. When she spoke, the sound was faint and grumbly, as if she hadn’t exercised her vocal cords in days. She was placed there against her will by her husband, who had intervened in multiple of her suicide attempts. She spoke openly about her desire to die. She didn’t see the point of wasting time at the ward. Nothing has helped her yet, and nothing ever will.

In the morning, I woke up to see this woman exercising in the common area, fit bit on her arm and banana peel resting beside her. Inna was at the table eating her favorite breakfast—an oatmeal omelet that she had the kitchen make exclusively for her— finishing a 500-piece puzzle that she’d been working on all week. After Inna had finished her breakfast, she took me outside to pick some fresh rosemary off a bush in the little hospital courtyard. We took turns sniffing the fragrant leaves through the long hours of group therapy that followed. The smell lifted our spirits and gave us hope, if only for a second.

Before I left the psych ward, I checked in with Inna. She was scheduled to leave the day after me. I didn’t know what was in store for the unnamed woman. Before I left, she told me about her daughter’s first love, how she coped with the breakup, and how she’s thriving now with her new fiancé. She spoke of her daughter and future son-in-law with an energy that I hadn’t seen in her before. I saw the corner of her mouth twitch up a few times. Her doctors believed that, in time, she will be okay. I hope they are right.

CHAPTER V – REASONS TO LIVE

How do humans do this? How do we reach such devastating lows, yet defy our expectations of our own strength? How does time heal wounds and give us tolerance that we didn’t have before? How does logic slowly manage to supersede the anxious or depressive thoughts and feelings we thought we couldn’t control? Perhaps we are like trees who are battered in the wind. After losing limbs, damaging bark, or falling down all together, somehow, our roots still work to keep us in the ground. Limbs grow back and bark heals with time and proper nourishment.

Our human instinct to survive starts with evolutionary biology, but many believe it’s not that simple. Some believe that humans exist in a spiritual realm in addition to the physical one we experience on earth. Some believe that every life is intentionally made and destined for a purpose by a higher power. Some believe that there are human concepts in life, such as love, pleasure, family, or friendship, which make life worth living. It is one of life’s biggest mysteries, and many dedicate their lives to discovering an answer.

Me, personally, I don’t have any answers. Do you have any you’d like to share? Because I’d sure love to hear it. All that I know for certain is that somehow, humankind continues to wake up in the morning, build homes and communities, find happiness and fulfillment in routine, create families, fall in love, pursue careers, enjoy pastimes with friends. As long as there are people alive in the world, there are reasons to live.