Fruitvale Station

I'm unsure of how to begin to discuss this movie.

I wasn't feeling well the day of the screening, so tonight I sat in my dorm room, logged into Netflix, and plugged my HDMI into my little desktop television. I felt a variety of emotions - some unprecedented, many painful.

I felt...

sick as I watched the live footage, as the screen went black and everyone began to scream.

disapproval when Oscar left a smoking blunt right next to the bed he shared with his child.

admiration when he texted his mother "happy birthday" and called her the next day.

charmed as he helped the woman at the counter with her fish fry.

uncomfortable when the woman said her boyfriend "knows a lot of black people".

horror as I watched the stray dog die in his arms after a hit and run.

disappointed when Oscar lost his temper at the prison and snapped on his mother.

profound respect as Oscar emptied a thousand dollars worth of weed into the ocean.

hopeful as Oscar, Sophina, and Tiana enjoyed a lovely evening celebrating with their family.

anticipation at the sight of white men shooting off fireworks into the air on the street corner.

disheartened as Oscar tried to have a simple quiet night in with his daughter and girlfriend.

devastated when the white man from prison threw the first punch.

dejected as the police and the black men continuously misinterpreted one another.

disgust as the police dragged Oscar off the train instead of the unsuspecting white man.

disgust as the police man said the n-word to his face, shoving his head onto the sidewalk.

disgust when they denied their rights and arrested them for no logical reason.

disgust as they shouted orders while physically preventing Oscar from obeying them.

disgust, disgust, disgust, disgust.

disgust.

terror as he pulled the trigger and the train of outraged witnesses were shooed away.

I'm used to terror, and I'm used to disgust.

These are feelings that I've experienced many times over the past few years. I've read headline after headline about unjust murders at the hands of police. Trayvon Martin, Micheal Brown, Sandra Bland, Tamir Rice, Toni Robinson, Walter Scott, Freddy Grey. Until know, I hadn't realized how desensitized I've become. For every story that becomes breaking news, I am less and less surprised. It has become our societal norm.

Fruitvale Station is particularly poignant in that it shows the reality of both the before and the after. As we get to know Oscar, we see him make good and bad decisions. He isn't put on a pedestal, and he isn't typecasted. He is portrayed as he truly was, and that creates a powerful connection between us and his character. We live a day in his life knowing what is to come, waiting in constant anticipation and fear of the police, just as many people of color feel as they navigate the world daily. The movie doesn't end when the iPhone clip does. Like his family, we wait for the fate that we know is coming and are forced to say goodbye to a person, not an exaggerated media story.

I wish that we had the chance to say goodbye to every person lost through police brutality in this way, instead of an ever-growing list of names dating back for decades, many of which have never made it on the news or received the justice that their loved ones deserved.